December – A Survival Guide
Yes. It’s that time of year again – for the nth consecutive time in a row you have achieved your goal of getting to the end of the year without sitting in a clock tower muttering to yourself as you reload your rifle. But don’t relax just yet! Staying on your guard during the twelfth month could mean the difference between gritting your teeth and sticking with your soulless existence and being taken out by a police marksman as you flee the scene.
So how do you cope with December? Well, faking your own death is harder nowadays what with DNA testing and the internet so thats not always an option. The days of a clean fake death are over and you will need to sacrifice another human being to make sure you leave a body. Pro-tip: pick a part of society where there are both lots of them and they won’t be missed: Members of Parliament are plentiful but not always available, so scout out your nearest reality TV studio for ideas.
After the jump, I will be providing you with a list of dos and don’ts which will enable you to get all the way to the end with only minimal mental anguish:
Do: avoid the shops like the plague. Not only will they pump continual Christmas songs at you, they will try to part you from your money in the most painful way possible.
Don’t: go shopping alone. If you ignore the first tip, make sure you go as a team. Not only will you be able to fight back in the stores, the resultant pub crawl will last that bit longer.
Do: wear warm clothing. Remember, if you are from the South your blood is thin and watery and you will feel very poorly. Only the Northerner has built up the necessary resistance to be able to venture outside. Call in sick and avoid the cold.
Don’t: watch TV at all during this month. While those shiny goods with flashing lights will look tempting, the shops are only selling them because they don’t want them. And neither does anyone else. They only want the space on the shelves to sell Easter Eggs next year. And your money. Don’t be fooled.
Do: stock up on tinned food and other non-perishables, like alcohol. The Apocalypse is predicted, don’t be the only one not ready. On the same note, don’t forget your extra rounds and landmines – the ravening hordes will be after your food and blood, keep them both safe.
Don’t: be a member of the wrong religion should the Apocalypse occur. I have no idea which religion is right, but will you look daft if you’re not a member.
Do: remember that while lakes of blood look good to drink when all the water has turned to sand, it may not be. Boil the blood before drinking it to ensure it’s cleanliness.
Don’t: approach any animals unless you are sure they are dead. Attacking one of the four horsemen’s modes of transport will be both embarrassing and painful. It will also make you very dead.
Do: avoid any pits of lave or passages to Hell that open up in front of you. Both will result in very nasty burns.
Don’t: ignore any prophecies coming from the seemingly insane. This could mean the difference between a set of wings and a white robe and eternal damnation.
Above all, have fun, stay safe and don’t get between me and the Rapture!