December – A Survival Guide

Yes.  It’s that time of year again – for the nth consecutive time in a row you have achieved your goal of getting to the end of the year without sitting in a clock tower muttering to yourself as you reload your rifle.  But don’t relax just yet!  Staying on your guard during the twelfth month could mean the difference between gritting your teeth and sticking with your soulless existence and being taken out by a police marksman as you flee the scene.

So how do you cope with December?  Well, faking your own death is harder nowadays what with DNA testing and the internet so thats not always an option.  The days of a clean fake death are over and you will need to sacrifice another human being to make sure you leave a body.  Pro-tip: pick a part of society where there are both lots of them and they won’t be missed: Members of Parliament are plentiful but not always available, so scout out your nearest reality TV studio for ideas.

After the jump, I will be providing you with a list of dos and don’ts which will enable you to get all the way to the end with only minimal mental anguish:

Do: avoid the shops like the plague.  Not only will they pump continual Christmas songs at you, they will try to part you from your money in the most painful way possible.

Don’t: go shopping alone.  If you ignore the first tip, make sure you go as a team. Not only will you be able to fight back in the stores, the resultant pub crawl will last that bit longer.

Do: wear warm clothing.  Remember, if you are from the South your blood is thin and watery and you will feel very poorly.  Only the Northerner has built up the necessary resistance to be able to venture outside.  Call in sick and avoid the cold.

Don’t: watch TV at all during this month.  While those shiny goods with flashing lights will look tempting, the shops are only selling them because they don’t want them.  And neither does anyone else.  They only want the space on the shelves to sell Easter Eggs next year.  And your money.  Don’t be fooled.

Do: stock up on tinned food and other non-perishables, like alcohol.  The Apocalypse is predicted, don’t be the only one not ready.  On the same note, don’t forget your extra rounds and landmines – the ravening hordes will be after your food and blood, keep them both safe.

Don’t: be a member of the wrong religion should the Apocalypse occur.  I have no idea which religion is right, but will you look daft if you’re not a member.

Do: remember that while lakes of blood look good to drink when all the water has turned to sand, it may not be.  Boil the blood before drinking it to ensure it’s cleanliness.

Don’t: approach any animals unless you are sure they are dead.  Attacking one of the four horsemen’s modes of transport will be both embarrassing and painful.  It will also make you very dead.

Do: avoid any pits of lave or passages to Hell that open up in front of you.  Both will result in very nasty burns.

Don’t: ignore any prophecies coming from the seemingly insane.  This could mean the difference between a set of wings and a white robe and eternal damnation.

Above all, have fun, stay safe and don’t get between me and the Rapture!

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Posted on 30 November, 2008, in Generalities, Stupidities, Writings and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. LOL, I enjoyed that. (as a member of the right religion, of course.)

    Since this is the Christmas season, you might enjoy a very different version of that story: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelations%2012:1-17;&version=31; It involves dragons, epic battle scenes and a dramatic escape. 🙂

    • Revelations is awesome and should be taught in religious education all the time. It certainly deserves far better than the horrible writing this blogger is reporting on 🙂

  2. Great tips. You might add, belonging to the Cult of Papa Hari is another way to avoid the woes of December (and also the months from January to November).

    hari´s last blog post..The Papa Hari Prevention of Bad Singing Act 2009

  3. Great tips! I think the one about the horsemen is my fav. Do you think it’s possible to use the chemical purifying tablets on the blood instead of boiling it? I imagine that will all the creatures of darkness roaming around, I won’t want to stop and build a fire.

    aaron@digital TV converter´s last blog post..Best Outdoor HDTV Antennas

  4. LOL! What a great post. “Both result in nasty burns.”lol

    Gini´s last blog post..10 Amazing, Unique Artists You Have to Check Out

  5. Some bits sounded better in my head and it could do with a rewrite at some point. But thanks all and I’m glad you enjoyed it.

    Ray´s last blog post..December – A Survival Guide

  6. Ha ha, those tips started out practical and then just got humorous. I like when stuff like that happens, so good job. And don’t worry about me, as I take insane prophecies more seriously than anyone else I know.

  7. Very nice set of tips, but I’ve got to disagree with you on the second don’t simply because I’m a very attentive college football fan and it falls right into conference championships. But I will cut out anything that doesn’t deal with this and turn it off because you are dead on about all the flashy commercials about the stuff that you just got to have.

  8. Ray why are we poor folk without Gravatars subject to the horror of those ugly mugs? :p

    hari´s last blog post..Boxi and Panjo – Working Out

  9. Let’s see what it does now.

    hari´s last blog post..Moral Responsibility for Sale

    • I need to find where it caches – there’s been no change despite me changing the gravatar.

      • Hint for bloggers: remember every single bit of code you add to your PHP files. An old bit of code I put in to deal with Gravatars seems to have been the problem. All fixed now and you can all now tell the difference between me commenting from home and work: if I’m logged in I get 2 gravatars!

  10. Excellent post! I agree, store shopping is the plague…online shopping, ftw!

  11. The first tip is the most important one: never and I mean NEVER have I tried to enter a supermarket before Christmas. Sometimes the holiday spirit is just too much for me, but this doesn’t mean that I can’t have my own Christmas in my own way. Even if you don’t celebrate like everyone else, you can still have a lot of fun.

  12. I wish one did not have to step out of the house at all. Every thing should be automated from the home.

  13. Very cool list of tips to follow.. It is very useful especially this coming Christmas. Thank you for the great share.

  14. I nice list of do’s and don’ts but I think I have to forgo the wearing of warm clothes, being summer here and all 😉
    I was just wondering, once you make it through December and have found out that the apocalypse has left you behind for another year, how do you plan to face the year ahead.

    Sire´s last blog post..Does Google Control Your Blog?

    • That’s right, rub your strange Australian weather in my face 🙂 Clearly, if the Apocalypse hasn’t happened it’s because I have misread the signs, so whatever you do, don’t stop giving me your money and worldly goods, it may come next year and you really don’t want to be unready now, do you?

  15. December is a month that needs a survival guide. I made it and now I am on my way to spring finally!

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