Re: The Recent Outrages
FAO: Mr Chodsley, CTO
Dear Mr Chodsley,
I am writing to you, as my section head, to tender my resignation and to give you the reasons I am doing so in the hope that you will be able to use my comments to further improve the companies image and policies. Having worked here for 10 years in a variety of capacities, I feel that I am well placed to give my insights on the workings of the company.
Firstly and, I think, most importantly I think it worth mentioning the recent decision to elevate the Board to the status of Gods over men to avoid taxes. While I applaud the reasoning and the cunning the accountants have shown, I feel that choosing to be “Evil Gods” may tarnish the companies image beyond the Stock Exchange and the Financial Times. Please don’t think for one moment that I am not in favour of the Board becoming deities, I have averted my eyes as they went by and, from the fact I wasn’t killed out of hand, know that they are among the finest Gods the company has ever had. I think, though, that the requirement for human sacrifice and the blood thirsty rampaging through the shopping centre when the moon was full maybe took it a little too far. As did needing 21 virgins over the age of 18 once every 2 weeks – I went to school with most of the local women or their families and we went through the available stock of said virgins on day one. But the girls of our local Tesco are good sports and played along.
If I may venture an opinion, perhaps the share price would increase if the Board were to declare themselves to be fertility gods or even just benevolent gods. This would prevent the decrease in the number of potential customers and would enhance the company’s status in the community.
As a team building exercise, I found that hunting down the facilities team was a great success. The thrill of the chase and the blood curdling screams as we dedicated the hearts of the victims to our high priests brought a tear to my eye and made my heart pound. I can’t help feeling though that the recent power outages taking our servers and desktops offline may have been linked to the death of the last electrician.
Our stock may have been hurt somewhat when we declared our main rivals to be heretics and declared that anyone dealing with them would be forever damned and prevented from achieving paradise. I cannot help but think that alienating our customer base at a time that the Greatest and Hugest Statue on Earth was being built may not have been the wisest course of action. Particularly as the building of the statue, so soon after the pyramids, had such an enormous cost to the company, both in terms of capital and in human lives. For the first time in company history, the 5-a-side-football team was unable to field a full team.
On a similar subject, allowing the head of HR to call herself the High Priestess may not have been the best move.Â Firstly, she executed anyone who had a problem with her.Â The nice secretary who refused to recreate the personnel filing system based on who was in favour that day did, I will admit, burn up a treat but as she was the only who could call in the coffee machine repairman, productivity did decline as the caffeine ran out.Â Before her elevation, the head of HR was merely a drama queen with a hint of hysteria, afterwards she became a power crazed lunatic who allowed her minions free rein.
Speaking of which, who’s idea was it to arm the Postroom staff?Â As you may recall, numerous memos from a variety of departments mentioned that they were all potentially unstable at the best of times, but once they were given pitchforks and flaming torches they spent all their time finding heretics.Â I myself gained several burn marks and holes in my body while simply trying to get a package biked across town.Â Fortunately, the canteen staff were able to subdue them with burning mystery meat and peace reigned once more.
I must say though, that what you arranged for the IT staff was truly horrible and will stay with me for the rest of my days.Â I really don’t believe that a hard drive was designed to do that.
In closing, as I hang here by my ankles receiving a severe eyeball lashing, I would like to say that I have appreciated my time here with the company and am only sorry that HR discovered I was moving to our rival’s office.
I wish you all well with your future endeavours.Â Except for the head of HR.
Yours sincerely, etc etc etc