Things That Make You Go "Grrrrr" – Part 1
Sorry, ladies, you may not get the same reaction as my male readers …..
There are some things which really get my goat. I can’t tell you about them right now, I’d have nothing to write about in future, but i think you get my drift. Normally, I’m fairly even tempered and placid: dare I say “laid back”? But there are a handful of things that me very very cross. I’m not talking about war, poverty, famine, chavs – obviously they make me angry. But that’s a sort of broad “pissing in the wind” anger – we all have it. No, these are far more specifically focused angers, they are against our basic human rights and make me want to write angry letters to newspapers (and then destroy them, because what sort of person does that?)
I dunno, it can’t just be me that hates this leash that we are forced to wear. This method of subjugation, this torture. Tell me I’m not alone in my hatred of ….. the tie.
When I buy clothing I look for several things: does it look good on, will it keep me warm, will it keep me dry, will it prevent me from showing more of my body than is legally acceptable. The tie does none of these things. Except maybe the first:
- Does it look good on? I’ll give you that when you first do up the tie in the morning you look smart. You look dressed for business and you appear to know what you are doing. By about 3pm, the tie has been loosened and has travelled halfway around your neck. the knot is less tight and the tie has started to loosen and reverse itself. You look, frankly, insane. Or drunk.
- Will it keep me warm? No. The tie is useless at keeping you warm. It’s a bit of cloth tied around your neck. Should you ever find yourself naked in the middle of nowhere, except for your tie, you could keep a bit of you warm but not the rest of you.
- Will it keep you dry? Don’t be silly. It’s cloth and cloth soaks up water, you’ll be wet and look stupid sheltering beneath a piece of material 2.5 inches wide.
- Will it prevent me from showing more of my body than is legally acceptable? Again, no. Going back to the whole “naked in the middle of nowhere” scenario, you could only cover one portion of your body. Otherwise, it is entirely useless.
Should you find yourself in the middle of a mugging, you could blindfold your assailant and make your getaway (or give him a good kicking). You could garotte him – assuming you can untangle yourself from it and get behind him while being stabbed. You couldn’t protect yourself at all.
Trying to impress someone at dinner or while running down the road? Forget it. The damn thing flaps about and either gets dipped in the soup or flaps around your head. It is, in short, utterly useless.
Actually, I need to qualify that statement slightly. Up until the age of 14 you can tie it around your head to show that you are a martial arts master/Vietnam vet/rock star/rebel. After that, it’s just a tie.
Studies have shown that the flaming thing can be dangerous. Scientists ran tests and found that the tie severely restricts the blood flow, causing damage. And who is responsible for this outrage? We men are, for crying out loud. What’s wrong with us all? There’s even a book on The 85 Ways to Tie a Tie. What the hell is wrong with the world?
Anyway, it’s time. Time for all of us to throw off this silk (or polyester mix) shackle and say “No! I will let my Adam’s Apple go free!” If enough of us do it, we’ll stop having to wear the bloody thing and we can leave the house 5 minutes earlier (or stay in bed 5 minutes longer).