Where Is The Future Today?
Once upon a time, on a small island in the middle of a lot of bigger water, a small boy looked into the magic mirror to see what the future would bring.
That little boy, in case you haven’t guessed, was me. Come to think of it, if you hadn’t guessed that bit, you really need help.
But I digress. Being brought up in the 1970s and ’80s, I was subjected to loads of programmes and films on television (a.k.a. “the telly”, “the tv” and “the box”), one of my favourites was Tomorrow’s World. In this show, we were told about all the things we could expect to see in the year 2000.
A small aside, as a child the year 2000 was this mystical future point that we would never reach. Space: 1999 told us that a blast would send the moon out of Earth’s orbit and our adventurers would meet many aliens with strange eyebrows. It really was a time that was unreachable – everything marvellous would suddenly appear at, or around, this time.
Anyway, we reached the year 2000 (the Y2K, to those in the know), and what do we find? That it’s just the same as all the preceding years. No personal teleports, no daily trips to the moon in our own personal spaceships, no flying cars, no nothing. Not even evil computers. I haven’t travelled through time once in the last 5 years. This sucks.
I have had my hopes raised and dashed and I don’t like it. So I out my huge internet brain to the problem and, using hypotheses, guesses, cartoons and alcohol (which is, as far as I can tell, what passes for research on 95% of the internet)(and that was researched using the same methods) I have come up with a blinding conclusion.
It would seem to me that for all the technological advances listed, we need one thing. Computers. And for all that to go wrong, we need Evil Computers. And who do we know with the money, time and researchery madness to do this. Microsoft! That’s who. Bill Gates is fabulously wealthy. Actually, scratch that. He is madly, wildly, insanely wealthy. Going back to the media, they have told me that only rich people have the resources and the inclination to make evil computers.
Now, Microsoft have a history of holding back interesting technology. And if they don’t, they should. So we now have incontrovertible, unassailable evidence that Microsoft are holding us back. Only the Microsoft Corporation can do this. Many people dislike Microsoft for their business practices, but this is small potatoes compared to their evilitude with holding back the New World Order required to let us all have the things we were promised.
So we need to raid them. I propose two teams: Team Alpha and Team Two. We will take over Redmond and release the evil computers. That way, we can all get to the moon.
Unless it’s IBM doing this. In which case, we need a two pronged attack………..